June 22nd, 2022
Happy Death Day to you Bygdogg!
**warning, may contain triggering info**
I appeal with love and forgiveness. I invoke the innocence of my heart, and ask for liberation so to continue the flow of Divine light and evolution. May all of my revelations shine truth into the darkest crevices of one’s soul.
Last year today was the day my father took his own life. In a million years, I never thought my dad would kill himself, especially knowing I myself have struggled with suicidal tendencies and chronic depression most my life. When I would tell my father about this, he would pretend it wasn’t true by saying “no you’re not, get out of bed, go to the gym”. He couldn’t even believe the state of consciousness I was describing to him because like many humans, narcissist struggle the most with cognicentrism- the ability to place distance, conceptually and practically, from our surroundings, other humans, and ourselves. In other words, “I never experienced it, therefore it does not exist”. It’s one of the quickest way to decapitate consciousness and prevent growth of humanity. Since I was 16 years old, I have been telling my father that if he doesn’t change his ways, he’s going to die a lonely man and 13 years later that’s exactly what happened. My dad would say in regards to change “I’ve been the same person since I was 15 years old” not realizing he’s pointing at his trauma trapped in time.
If you’ve been in relationship with someone on the dark triad spectrum of narcissism, machiavellianism, or psychopathy, then you know how these dark strategies take grip of the individuals entire ways of being. It takes immense presence, authenticity, vulnerability, courage, consistency, accountability, responsibility, vigilance, and commitment for anyone in the dark triad to crawl their way out whether rooted in their personality or have learned tendencies. Having mercy and justice for these humans is paramount for the compassion to come through to release these beings from their persisting judgment, shame, blame, and refusal of being accountable. Cultivating firm boundaries, sticking to them, sharing intentionally, self care, self care, self care, and taking things for face value -meaning do not make things that they are not. Maya Angelo says it best “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”. It’s very easy when being in relations with someone in the dark triad to be convinced that you are experiencing reality differently than your experiences. This is a projection maneuver called gaslighting. The best way to heal a relationship with someone in this category is in the privacy of yourself, utilizing self care to restore clarity.
Being trapped in the dark triad is very depleting, depressing, and draining. So anyone who comes into this parallel reality will experience the same. This is why most challenged here cannot be empathetic. They’ve spent their entire lives learning surviving strategies to cut off their emotions, and then create their world from this disconnected space; alas, illusions, delusions, and psychosis come about. Learning from my father, he would rather be right and die than to be wrong and live. He would rather be right about all of his shame, guilt, and fears, then simply to forgive himself of illusions and step into the light of the real. Maybe if he was trauma informed it could have supported… and maybe not because even with me by his side it was no support. You see, my dad was in a psychotic state right before he killed himself. He suffered in this state for about 6 months from being taken off of his pain meds cold turkey. Even with all the tools I was sharing with him on how I have spent 20 years navigating that same space, and successfully got myself out of that place, it wasn’t enough for him to drop is avoidance and denial survival defense mechanisms. He chose to crucify himself like he has been crucifying everyone around him his entire experience of living. He didn’t see redemption for himself and I learned in this moment that I get to live a life of reconciliation. Because in my last breath of air, I want to leave this world peaceful and aware, instead of tormented and scared.
My father as much as he professed his love for everyone, had actions that showed his love was a special relationship rooted in hate and malice. My father constantly plotting siblings against one another, spreading gossip, and other forms of manipulation. I always used to say that my dad is the glue that holds the dysfunction together. My dad is the glue for multiple families to be tethered in this dysfunction where most do not know the truth behind who is really related and who is not. My father loved to have multiple partners, and would even use their jealousy, envy, and vulnerability against one another to create further instability, chaos, and manipulation. One of my favorites my dad would say “keep the family business within the family business” while he is spreading deceit to control whatever narrative he wanted. My father would not approve of this writing and sharing so openly. The drama and infidelity rooted in my family is nothing short of what you’d see on Dr.Phil. You may be wondering, how can someone not know their origins? Well, this is common in the tree of dysfunction.
Living in a constant state of fight, flight, fawn, or freeze is the quintessence to complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). One main difference from PTSD and C-PTSD is the duration of the trauma. C-PTSD occurs when the event that creates the PTSD is an ongoing and consistent event. So as it’s ongoing, more wounds and the complexity of dysfunction exacerbates for when you’re healing it later, it becomes a tricky game of hide and seek. The manipulation of my father over the years have been so damn good, that the rest of my family trapped in trauma (stuck in time), continue to make up stories and carry on his legacy of the ego, the split thinker, and the master of disaster. At this point, there’s already a giant tree grown from sapling in the comfort zone of dysfunction. It took me a year of being with myself, processing/grieving my fathers death, to realize that when he died, the rest of my family died with him. And I’m not sharing this from a place of hatred in my heart. I’m sharing this from a place of release, compassion, and greater understanding of my families role in my life up to this point. I’m sharing this from a place of completion. The last decade I have been drifting away from my family intentionally to heal and become who I am without my families impressions and conditionings. And this last years unfoldment only points more to this direction and confirms my insights on letting the past be in the past. Being in relations with my family means we cannot live in the present, as long as they remain trapped in trauma and unwilling to heal. So me being around them is going against their sovereign right, and their dignity to choose sickness. I am learning to force healing on to someone is the same righteousness that forces sickness on to someone. Even if you think you know what’s “better” for someone does not mean that’s the path for them. Some may never heal in this lifetime…
My dysfunctional family have been my biggest training grounds to be who I am today. And I’m very grateful for their presence and insights into how to live life by sharing the contrast. I cannot heal my family and this brings me much humility to further anchor in this truth. I felt responsible to heal my family for awhile because of my gifts, and this is their responsibility, like how I took responsibility for my own healing process. If you want peace, be peace, and teach peace. Those rooted and subjected to the dark triad will NEVER find peace in hell. One must release their bitterness, malice, ill-will, vengeance, revenge, wraith, judgments, loneliness, unworthiness, arrogance, and diabolical perspectives in order to find redemption and be restored in their natural place of oneness and wholeness. It’s similar to the saying “you cannot have a happy marriage with an angry husband/wife”. The context of happiness will not fit with the content of anger. It’s interesting to see how before my fathers death, my dysfunctional family had already started to distanced themselves from my father because of the trauma they’ve endured. And since they weren’t around when he killed himself, they sit in immense rage, anger, denial, regret, and shame projecting this on to each other and on to me. So instead of healing and bonding, they are creating further lies and wedges between each other. Allowing tragedy to create more tragedies accumulating more wounds to heal later when they are ready.
I remember last year sitting at my dads house as my siblings picked through what they wanted to keep or not, I remember sitting there thinking “wow, now that the glue of dysfunction is dead, who will everyone blame for their troubles?” And this person is now me. My dysfunctional family have been taught how to plot and prob families against each other their entire lives. I am the whistleblower to the dysfunction so now I become the top of the enemy list because no longer do they have my father to scapegoat all of their problems. They get payouts being in the comfort zone of dysfunction. It would require them to get uncomfortable by bringing awareness to the prices they are paying to transform their sickness into health and this is where I release my old patterns of the savior complex. This is where I release dancing around the burdens of others shadows. And where I get to create boundaries to bring in the people who are supportive, loving, and caring and to have a wall for the ones who are destructive, fearful, and malicious. Living in the world means discerning the fact that some people are not capable of loving the way love has love. Many would rather live life loving through the concepts they believe love to be.
Part of my healing process for C-PTSD has been about creating a safe environment away from my abusers to heal, and now that I can see more clearly, I cannot save anyone but myself. It’s been part of my healing journey to reconcile with my abusers. I was born to learn how to “pretend” to be family with humans who have different definitions of what a family is and means to them. I personally am not accepting my family to be deceitful, harmful, and closed off. I accept the humanness of people and this doesn’t mean they have to be family, and place someone in a category that does not fit the role they play. My family gets to be rooted in health, love, appreciation, connection, communication, compassion, and gratitude. The role of a family in functional relationships looks very different than a role of a family in dysfunctional relationships. Being part of a family rooted in dysfunction enjoy laughing at each other’s pain, mock each other’s emotional wounds, and are very much part of the problem through enabling and contributing to the darker sides of humanity. When you see any human exploiting your vulnerability and authenticity, this is a clear sign that their come from is in the agenda of the dark triad.
Over the last decade I have created a functional family as I distanced from my dysfunctional family. And today I have an amazing family that has been nourishing my soul and enriching my spirit ever since I distinguished the distinction of what a functional family looks like, feels like, and what it takes to manifest this into a reality.
“The knowing of the healer is that there is nothing the light can’t contain. The success of the healer is to the degree they can fully integrate that knowing.
There is nothing else to know but this.
It is human consciousness, the Source of God, that has the power to cause the light in the darkness to reappear and be revealed. All will be illuminated through His glory.
All darkness contains within it a spark (point of revelation) of Divinity. The way we heal darkness, is to peal away the concealment of it and reveal the Divine within it — which itself can then be transmuted back into the Source light – God “ – Anthony Hidalgo
I am very grateful to all my relations. Thank you to all my teachers (especially my wife), mentors, parents, spiritual parents, guides, and anyone I didn’t mention that is also part of my individuation and crystallization process. Bridging the tensions of opposites and traversing dark into light is never an easy task and with compassion, courage, consistency, commitment, and community it is 100% possible and 100% worth it all. No matter how lost in the sauce you are, there is always a guiding light shining the way towards liberation. Thank you dad for continuing to teach me through life and death.