11 Aug

Read Time: 11 minutes

I LOVE LIFE SO MUCH!!

Finding the Get-To Hidden Inside the Have-To

I love life so much!!

And today, I find myself in my grungies. 😂 I see others around me in their grungies too—that particular experience that gets generated when life starts becoming one giant list of things we “have to” do.

Why Everything Starts Feeling Like Something You “Have To” Do

Right now, I see a sink full of dishes. I see dinner needs to be made. I see that I need to clean the dishes in order to make dinner. I see that I’ve been back-to-back doing things, and then somehow, when I finally have a moment where I could do something, I find myself sitting there doing absolutely nothing because I’m thinking about all the things I need to get done.

It becomes this vicious cycle that I continuously see myself circling like vultures that just watched their prey hit the ground. 😂 “I have to do the dishes. I have to make dinner. I have to take the trash out. I have to get this work done. I have to make enough money. I have to make sure everything is handled.”

And somewhere inside all of those Have-To’s, I notice something fascinating happening. The circumstances themselves haven’t necessarily changed, but the joy and aliveness begin getting sucked out of my experience of life because I HAVE TO do all these things. And apparently nobody has invented the technology where I can snap my fingers and have the entire house clean itself yet.

Then I notice the trash is full and suddenly I’m George Costanza yelling, “SERENITY NOW!!!” 😂

My wife isn’t feeling well today. She’s aching and uncomfortable, and I notice another uncomfortable truth arise in me: part of me doesn’t even want to tend to her because now caring for someone I deeply love has somehow entered the category of another thing I “have to” do.

Then I look outward and see what feels like a million obligations. Hold down the business. Make enough money so we can pay the bills. Keep the household stocked. Take care of the people I love. Take care of myself. Build what I’m committed to building.

And then I look around at friends and family and see versions of the same experience. “There’s not enough.” “We’re doing the best with what we have.” “If only I had more money…” “If only I had more time…” “If only this one thing would finally get handled…”

It is fascinating how quickly all the abundance of life can seemingly disappear when we enter a context of lack.

And I’m sharing all of this not to complain. I’m sharing it because I want to return to the first thing I said:

I LOVE LIFE SO MUCH!!

Because somewhere in noticing all of this, I realized something. There is another way to be with these exact same circumstances.

The dishes don’t have to disappear first. The trash doesn’t have to magically take itself outside. My wife doesn’t have to suddenly feel better. The business doesn’t have to become effortless. My bank account doesn’t need another zero. The circumstances do not necessarily have to change before my relationship to them can.

And that is where my power comes back.

How Complaints Reveal Unmet Requests

One of the things we distinguish in High Performance Mastermind is that our complaints are often requests in disguise.

Underneath “This house is a mess!” might be a request for order. Underneath “Everyone needs something from me!” might be a request for space. Underneath “I have too much to do!” might be a request for clarity and prioritization. Underneath “I never have enough time!” might be a request to become more intentional with the time I actually have. Underneath “I’m tired of taking care of everyone!” might be a request to finally include myself among the people deserving of my care.

Suddenly my grungies become information. My complaints don’t need to become evidence that life is going wrong. They can become invitations to listen.

Maybe I am requesting permission to accept the messy house while remaining committed to cleaning it. Maybe I am requesting more time for myself before I go tend to everyone else. Maybe I am requesting that I get clear on my goals for TODAY instead of trying to mentally accomplish the rest of my life before dinner.

Maybe I am requesting support, rest, simplicity, or permission to stop treating every unfinished task as evidence that I am somehow behind in life.

How to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed by Choosing Again

And underneath even these requests, I notice something deeper:

If I am not experiencing the life I say I love, what have I decided about the life in front of me?

Somewhere along the way, I decided that the dishes were a burden. I decided that dinner was another demand. I decided that the trash was one more thing being asked of me. I decided that there wasn’t enough time. I decided there wasn’t enough money. I decided there wasn’t enough of me to meet everything life seemed to require.

Not necessarily consciously. I didn’t wake up this morning, stretch my arms, and enthusiastically declare, “Today I choose scarcity and resentment!” 😂

But decisions do not have to be conscious to become the context through which we experience our lives. And this is where awareness becomes incredibly powerful.

Responsibility Without Guilt

If I can notice the context I am generating, I don’t have to make myself guilty for generating it. I don’t need to shame myself for being irritated, judge myself for being tired, or make my grungies another problem I now “have to” fix.

I can simply recognize: Something about the way I am currently relating to this isn’t producing the experience I want.

And if I participated in generating this context, then I can participate in generating another one. Not through guilt, but through responsibility. Not, “What’s wrong with me?” but, “What have I decided, and what else could I decide?”

That question brings me back into authorship.

Because one of the strangest things we do as human beings is create entire plans for our happiness and then become miserable trying to fulfill them. Everything needs to get done. Everyone needs to be okay. The business needs to succeed. The bank account needs to reach a certain number. The house needs to look a certain way. I need to accomplish enough today. I need to make sure tomorrow is secure.

And THEN I can relax. Then I can be happy. Then I can be present. Then I can enjoy my life.

We become so busy trying to arrange circumstances into the perfect configuration for peace that we postpone the very peace we were arranging everything to experience.

And maybe I don’t actually need to solve my entire life tonight. Maybe I don’t need a perfect plan for everything that could possibly happen. Maybe my responsibility is much smaller and much more immediate:

Return to the point where I lost my freedom and choose again.

Where did dinner become obligation? Where did caring become burden? Where did commitment become Have-To? Where did planning become worrying? Where did responsibility become pressure? Where did creating prosperity become fearing scarcity? Where did an unfinished task become evidence that I was failing?

That is where the distinction lives. And that is where another choice becomes available.

Have-To vs. Get-To: How a Mindset Shift Changes Your Experience

Which brings me to one of my favorite distinctions: Have-To vs. Get-To.

This one can sound painfully cliché until you actually catch yourself living inside the opposite.

“I have to make dinner.” Do I? Or do I get to make food in a home that has food available?

“I have to take care of my wife.” Or do I get to love the woman I chose to build my life with when she isn’t feeling well?

“I have to work.” Or do I get to participate in building something I once dreamed about creating?

“I have to pay bills.” Or do those bills represent electricity, shelter, transportation, communication, food, technology, and resources I am actively using to participate in this life?

“I have to clean this house.” Or do I get to care for the space that shelters my life?

Same dishes. Same trash. Same bills. Same responsibilities.

Different world.

This is why distinctions matter so much. The distinction does not necessarily alter the content of life. It alters the context from which I experience the content.

Have-To creates a world in which life is happening TO me. Get-To reminds me that I am participating WITH life. And somewhere beyond even Get-To is another possibility:

I choose to.

I choose to make dinner. I choose to care for my wife. I choose to build this business. I choose to clean my home. I choose to create prosperity. I choose to rest when rest is what allows me to return to these commitments with love.

Not because every task is enjoyable, and certainly not because I need to spiritually bypass exhaustion and pretend taking out the trash is the most magnificent experience bestowed upon humanity. 😂 I choose because I can distinguish between the task itself and the context I am generating around the task.

That distinction restores authorship.

From Obligation to Commitment

There is an enormous difference between saying, “My life is filled with obligations,” and realizing, “My life is filled with commitments.”

Obligation says, “I am trapped by this.” Commitment says, “This matters to me.”

And when something genuinely does not matter to me anymore, that deserves examination too. Maybe it needs to be renegotiated. Maybe I need support. Maybe I need to say no. Maybe I need to delegate. Maybe I need to rest. Maybe the agreement itself needs to change.

Get-To does not mean turning ourselves into cheerful martyrs who say yes to everything.

That would simply be Have-To wearing a gratitude costume.

True authorship includes the freedom to examine the commitments creating our lives. Because the point isn’t to take everything we resent and force ourselves to call it a privilege. The point is to become conscious enough to distinguish what I am genuinely committed to from what I am doing from unconscious obligation.

What agreement needs to be honored? What agreement needs to be renegotiated? What needs to be completed? What needs to be delegated? And what simply needs to be released?

That is a very different relationship with responsibility.

Self-Leadership Means Including Yourself

There is another piece of this I find especially important: I cannot sustainably give from a context I am unwilling to give to myself.

If I am constantly trying to help everyone else while refusing to address my own exhaustion, eventually service can become resentment. If I am committed to creating extraordinary results for others while abandoning myself in the process, something has become incoherent.

Leadership includes self-leadership. Care includes self-care. Compassion includes self-compassion. And sometimes the most responsible thing I can do for everyone around me is stop pretending I have infinite capacity and actually listen to what I need.

Perhaps I take twenty minutes to myself before making dinner. Perhaps I ask for help. Perhaps some dishes remain in the sink tonight. Perhaps I decide something can wait until tomorrow. Perhaps “extraordinary performance” today looks less like accomplishing twelve things and more like completing the three things that genuinely matter while remaining connected to myself and the people I love.

That isn’t failure.

That is discernment.

How Awareness Creates More Choice

And that is where today became beautiful for me. Because my grungies weren’t evidence that I had somehow forgotten how much I love life. They became another opportunity to remember why I love it.

I love that I can notice myself drifting. I love that I can catch the moment when commitment becomes obligation. I love that I can hear the complaint and ask what request is hiding underneath it. I love that I can notice scarcity without making scarcity the truth about my life.

I love that I can recognize when I have decided from fear, pressure, or lack—and choose again without making myself wrong for the first decision. I love that I can be tired without deciding that life itself is exhausting. I love that I can take care of myself and still love others deeply. I love that I can look at the exact same circumstances from another context and suddenly discover choices that were invisible five minutes earlier.

This is one of the reasons awareness matters so much. Without awareness, I simply experience the context as reality: “The dishes ARE a burden. There ISN’T enough time. I HAVE TO do this. I CAN’T rest. I NEED everything handled before I can relax.”

But once I can distinguish the circumstance from the meaning I have given the circumstance, space appears.

And inside that space is choice.

Freedom Within Your Circumstances

Perhaps this is part of what it means to live an extraordinary life.

Not creating a life where there are never dishes. Not creating a life where nobody gets sick. Not creating a life without bills, responsibilities, disappointments, messes, fatigue, uncertainty, or trash that somehow becomes full AGAIN even though I swear I just took it out. 😂

But developing ourselves so deeply that we become increasingly capable of generating who we will be in relationship to all of it.

That is freedom.

Not freedom from circumstances. Freedom within circumstances.

And tonight, I can look at my messy kitchen and recognize something that disappeared when I collapsed into Have-To: there is abundance everywhere.

There is food to cook. There is a home to clean. There is a business to build. There are people to love. There is a body asking me to listen. There are choices available. There are requests I can make. There are commitments I can renegotiate. There are decisions I can reconsider. There is another context available to me at any moment.

And there is a life here that I am extraordinarily grateful to participate in.

I Love Life So Much!!

So yes…the dishes still need to be done. Dinner still needs to be made. The trash still needs to go out. My wife still deserves some tenderness. And I still have things to handle.

But none of those things have the authority to decide what kind of life I am living.

I do.

And perhaps when I notice I am no longer at peace, I don’t need to condemn myself, fix myself, or figure out my entire future. Maybe I simply need to become curious.

Where did I lose my freedom? What did I decide there? What request have I not made? What distinction have I collapsed? What am I making this circumstance mean? And what becomes possible if I choose again?

That is one of the gifts of awareness. We can drift. We can notice the Drift. And we can return.

Again. And again. And again.

So today, even in my grungies, I remember: