On June 22, 2021 around 6pm, my dad passed away by taking his own life. Unfortunately, I was not able to grieve with my family due to the shared trauma, the complexity of mental illness, and ultimately their choice to allow grief and pain to remain trapped operating from an automatic / trauma reaction. This opportunity granted me the space to grieve my grievances and be able to support as much as my family would allow. I got to grieve with my incredible wife, family-friends, and even my clients supported me through the process as we healed together.
Over the years, I’ve become very estranged to my family I was raised with, and being rooted in the dark triad, you’ll find that these are some of the toughest survival, ego defense mechanisms to come up against. These are the people who carry so much pain where they have confused pain for pleasure, sickness for health, malice for kindness, woundings for miracles, delusions for truth, illusions for love, and complaints as a form of mastery. I remember one of my siblings sharing “I’m going to take a decade to grieve, f*** it, who says I can’t grieve this long?” I reflected on this and keep thinking to myself, “I personally do not want to grieve for 10 years+, that is not an effective way of living and is taking that long really granting yourself the space to feel your feels, or are you avoiding feeling them fully?” Working with entheogens, I have learned to feel my feels fully and I make up the practice of this is why I have the life that I have today.
I truly feel those lost in the dark triad are some of our greatest leaders, healers, visionaries, artists, waiting to birth through their crucible to traverse the tension of opposites and becoming authentic with their inauthenticities to name a few. Navigating this crucible is plausible and may not be possible for some at the same time, yet it’s not impossible…
My dad struggled with narcissism for 49 years and chose crucifixion over redemption. He did have an opportunity to rebirth and start with a clean slate, and instead did not want to muster the courage and vitality to forgive his shame, his blame, he didn’t want to undo his hurt and pain, he just wanted it all to end, being unaware forgiveness and gratitude are the ways out of the hell he created for himself and coming to terms with all the people he brought into his hell for them to create their own. We are always enrolling into something, and my dad definitely would disapprove of this blog while living, and beyond his death I know he’s smiling down upon me, guiding me through the atoms of reality. I know he wants me to share his story, his legacy, as I continue my soul’s joyful mission of liberation to be of service to others.
July 11th, 2021
I want to thank you for all of your teachings. I want to thank you for being authentically you. I am a lot of the man I am today because of the influence and guidance you’ve blessed me with. I am grateful for all the fights, for all the lies, I am especially grateful for all the miscommunications and misinterpretations. You have been my biggest enemy at times, and in other moments my greatest love.
I remember believing you to be Superman. A man of high integrity. The truth of the matter is in your wounds, in your own messed up way of extending love, all of the things I would judge and be bitter about… I finally see how you were showing me myself. You were pointing to my magnitude my entire life, even in moments I could only see you poking at my littleness. I am grateful to have built our relationship in the way it was.
As I sit contemplating on what I wished could have been, I am grateful to release the fantasies and illusions so I may have what I have. Paving a way for me to have clear sight, how to be true and see Truth has humbled me. Along with how to forgive and be forgiven. Your life dedicated to the Narcissistic wounding has been a huge service to me and I honor you for embracing this challenge head on.
I see you as a master of shame, blame, guilt, and wronging. The master of divide and conquer; the role of the ego and split thinking. Your legacy has been rooted in traversing opposites. The fear, or call to love, you taught played a powerful service for me. I am eternally thankful for the opportunity to embrace your true teachings of what it means to be human. Thank you for your struggles, challenges, love, and light. You are truly a divine man, welcome home big guy.
13 was my dads holy number
My last conversation with my dad…
“”Forgive, and you will see this differently”. These are the words Spirit speaks in all your tribulations, all your pain, all suffering regardless of its forms. These are the words with which temptation ends and guilt, abandoned, is revered no more. These are the words which end the dream of sin and rid the mind of fear. These are the words by which salvation comes to all the world.
Shall we not learn to say these words when we are tempted to believe that pain is real, and death becomes our choice instead of life? Shall we not learn to say these words when we have understood their power to release all minds from bondage? These are words which give you power over all events which seem to have been given power over you. You see them rightly when you hold these words in full awareness and do not forget these words apply to everything you see or any brother looks upon amiss.
How can you tell when you are seeing wrong, or someone else is failing to perceive the lesson he should learn? Does pain seem real in the perception? If it does, be sure the lesson is not learned, and there remains an unforgiveness hiding in the mind which sees the pain through eyes the mind directs.
God would not have you suffer thus. He would help you forgive yourself. His Son does not remember who he is. And God would have him not forget His love, and all the gifts His love brings with it. Would you now renounce your own salvation? Would you fail to learn the simple lesson Heaven’s Teacher sets before you that all your pain may disappear and God may be remembered by His Son?
“I will forgive, and this will disappear”
To every apprehension, every care, and every form of suffering, repeat these selfsame words. In the you hold the key that opens Heaven’s gate and brings the love of God the Father down to earth at last, to raise it up to Heaven. God will take this final step Himself. Do not deny the little steps. He asks you take to Him.
ACIM Lesson 193: All things are lessons God would have me learn.“